If there's one word that comes to mind when I think of the past year, it's chaos. What started out as excitement (from seemingly everyone) for the start of a new decade, quickly went down the drain. From a global pandemic, to huge spotlights being cast on inequality in North America and the disputes that have come out of that, to continued warnings about climate change, the past twelve months have felt more like a page out of a sci-fi drama rather than reality. There are times that I wake up and I think to myself, is this really the state of the world or have I just been dreaming all this time? At what point will wearing a mask whenever I go out to run an errand or go to the grocery store feel "normal". Should it ever feel normal at all?

As though the chaos happening outside the four walls of our house wasn't enough, we've also been dealing with the chaos of an 18-month old at home while husband and I both work full-time. An 18-month old that is on the opposite end of consistent when it comes to life basics like eating and sleeping. Every night we still roll the dice on whether he'll sleep through the night or not, and every day with every meal it's a toss-up on what he'll eat and what he'll spit out. I've heard many moms comiserate that their kid is either one or the other (crappy sleeper or crappy eater), but somehow we drew the super short straw and ended up with both.

The chaos that has seemingly enveloped my life has led to a level of internal mourning in my mind and heart. I still mourn pre-baby life sometimes, when I had the freedom to do things that I wanted to do when I wanted to do them, the freedom to travel (which is a no-go even without a baby these days), and most of all the freedom to sleep... oh how I miss sleep. But there are very specific matters that I've been mourning as a result of this pandemic which feels like it's robbed us of so many things. Here's a few that's been weighing on my brain:

1. Lost time with family and friends. I know there's always FaceTime, and Zoom, and backyard/front lawn visits, but it's just not the same. I miss hugging my parents and being embraced in return. I miss linking arms with my girl friends as we catch up on the week. I miss eating out with family for birthdays or holidays.

2. Lost baby days. Any parent will tell you that the baby days are fleeting. They're hella tiring and plenty exhausting, but fly by so fast in hindsight. Our little kiddo has changed so much in the past year and our families and friends have missed out on 10 months of baby snuggles, relationship building, and play time. They're limited to watching videos we send of our babe's newest antics, and are met with anxious stranger danger looks when they do see him in person.

3. Relationships on pause. Being back at work full-time with a baby at home has left very little time to catch up with people cuz most of my time is spent oscillating between working and parenting. We've missed out on some pretty big milestones in the lives of our friends (e.g. birth of their babies, engagements, etc.) and are relegated to Whatsapp chats to share in their joys. Then there's the lack of relational growth for our kid with his village, cuz all he sees are faces on a screen every now and again.

4. Mat leave ending. Not so much having to go back to work, but moreso not being able to do that things that I had hoped to do in the last 4 months of my mat leave. I had wanted to take him swimming, go see a bunch of stuff, take advantage of husband being off on paternal leave at the same time for 5 weeks, maybe even venturing out to the west coast for another trip. All of those things were kiboshed when our world shut down in March.

5. Returning to work. I was pretty excited to go back to work, cuz I actually do enjoy my job. Working from home has been amazing and gives us the flexibility that we need to take care of our kid so that we don't have to put him in daycare in the middle of a pandemic, but it has led to some very long days and nights... the latest record for completion of a project was 3:30am, then up at 6:30am to do the parenting thing again. Oftentimes it's felt like we've been burning the candle at both ends and some days even in the middle, and it's still a wonder that we haven't completely disintegrated from the stress and pressure and exhaustion.

Though these laments run deep, I'm also aware of all the things that I have to be thankful for, that would not have happened had it not been for this life-robbing pandemic:

1. Family, friends, neighbours. Our families have brought us food and treats when we've been slammed with work. Our friends have checked in on us regularly, even bringing us Pedialyte when we were quarantined with a feverish baby. Our neighbours (who just so happen to be friends from a past life) have doted on us with food, baked goods, fruits, fire pit nights, and socially distanced outings to the orchard for apple picking and the zoo. We've always known we were loved, but we've felt it even more deeply this year.

2. Work flexibility. Both hubs and I have pretty flexible and understanding employers which has allowed us to do the full-time parenting and full-time work thing. Though it means taking "baby shifts" throughout the day, having to constantly shift mental gears, and long nights to meet deadlines, we know things would be tenfold more difficult if we didn't have the flexibility we have with our jobs.

3. Financial flexibility. We decided after two months of me being back at work that trying to cook meals was just too much given everything else that was on our plates. So for the better part of the past 4 months we've been ordering in or getting takeout in some way, shape, or form. We've been lucky enough to have the financial flexibility to do this as it's much more expensive than cooking for ourselves. On the plus side, we get to support our local restaurants, so that helps us feel better (or so we tell ourselves).

4. The extra months with baby. Yes, it's been exhausting. Yes, it's been stressful and has definitely put a lot of pressure on our marriage as we try to navigate full-time work and full-time parenting without support/help from our parents cuz we don't want to risk their health. But it's also been absolutely amazing watching our baby learn so many new things in the past 6 months. He went from crawling to walking and now nearly running. He went from sitting on the floor to climbing everything and even being tall enough to open doors on his own. He went from no words at 12 and 15 months to an explosion of words and surprising us with more and more almost every day. He's starting to use utensils and is so very proud of himself. He makes connections that blow our minds and he even knows how to joke around and tease and troll (especially his "dada"). If we weren't in the middle of a pandemic he'd be in daycare for most of the day and we wouldn't get to see nearly as much as we have in the past half year.

5. Inexplicable peace. I so clearly remember wrapping up another weeknight at 2am, crawling into bed only to hear baby boy start crying. It was my turn to be on the night shift so I begrudgingly dragged myself out of bed, stayed with him until 3:30am, and crawled back into bed at 3:45am. I knew that he'd probably be up sometime between 6am and 7am which translated to 2 maybe 3 hours of sleep and then a full day of work and momming. Back in his newborn days this thought would send me into a spiral of anxiety, but for whatever reason the predominant thought in my mind was "God will provide". Even if I only had 2h of sleep to run on, somehow He would get me through the day.

I'm sure there are many more that I could write about, but these are the ones that immediately come to mind. Ultimately, the biggest lessons I've had to learn in the past year are that of flexibility and adaptation. I hate change (have a whole post about it). But this year has been all about change and adapting to ever-changing scenarios almost monthly, as the collective world tries to figure out how to survive the craziness that has been 2020. As the year comes to a close I don't expect anything to be different when I wake up on January 1, 2021. While I do hope for a less tumultuous year in 2021, I'm also still very thankful for all that we have been blessed with in 2020 that would not have happened in absence of all the crazy.

Twelve months. 365 days. 8760 hours (when you're a mom there are days that you count the hours cuz one day is a looonnnggg time). A plethora of nursing sessions. Singing a medley of "God is so good / I love you Lord / Seek ye first" more times than I can count as part of naptime and bedtime and MOTN wakings. And yet, somehow, husband, baby boy, and I have made it through one whole year as a family of three with all limbs in tact. As I reflect back on the past twelve months, the one thing that reverberates in my mind is how God has walked with me, with us, every hour, and every day, through every experience. On the "easy" days He's given us rest, sweet memories, and delightful surprises. On the hard days (and boy were there many) He gave us just enough energy to get through it and just enough wisdom to navigate the turbulent waters.

Baby boy's middle name means God has been gracious, has shown favour. "Grace is the Hebrew word chanan or the Greek word charis, meaning “the state of kindness and favour toward someone, often with a focus on a benefit given to the object.”" Now I know some may say that these were just coincidences, or can be explained by biology or science. But for me, these are moments that God has shown up in the past year, reminding me that He knows what's best and that I am not forgotten even in the loneliest moments that often accompany motherhood.

Here are some instances of God meeting me where I was at and showering me with His grace (and love and mercy):

1. When I was told at 40+3 that we would have to deliver baby via elective C-section I was pretty devastated. Not because I wanted so badly to have a natural delivery nor that I didn't anticipate the possibility of a CS, but because I knew from all that I had read how rough a CS was and how much longer and more painful recovery would be. It would also have an impact on any future pregnancies, automatically increasing the risk for complications. In the car, on the phone with my mom right after the appointment I was in tears telling her what was to happen the next day (we had less than 24h from appointment to scheduled surgery time). I prayed and pleaded even that morning that God would give me peace about it, but still felt anxious knowing that I was about to undergo major surgery. Ultimately it was the best route to bringing baby safely into this world. When they cut me open they found baby boy had his cord wrapped around his neck 3 times. Three times. My doctor said baby was smart to stay put. Had we tried to induce and labour I would have likely needed to have an emergency CS anyway. This way was better. After wondering why I had to go down this path, He answered.


2. After struggling through the first month of new mom life, having daily anxiety attacks that included dry heaving (which hurts like hell when you have a healing incision in your abdomen), shakes, and chills, a friend from high school that I haven't seen or spoken to since high school reached out to me out of the blue. She reassured me that this was a normal part of postpartum for some people and that she had similar experiences when she first became a mom. The next few days, weeks, and months involved long chats back and forth with her giving suggestions and advice on nursing and baby's sleep, and just walking alongside me. After a month feeling like my prayers had gone unheard, He answered.


3. Speaking of anxiety attacks, these happened almost at the same time every day. The mornings were usually the worst after yet another night of only 2h stretches of sleep. By the afternoon symptoms seemed to subside, only to recur the following morning. And knowing this regularity, when I was feeling better I would try as much as possible to give myself pep talks, or reminders, or compile playlists to listen to when I was in the heart of an anxiety attack, but nothing would alleviate them the following morning. Then one Saturday morning about 5 weeks in, they just stopped. After pleading with God every day asking for mercy, He answered.


4. Similarly, after 5 weeks of postpartum life and little to no sleep, I woke up one day and didn't feel like I had just been hit by a bus. This was a monumental milestone. Up until this point I couldn't fathom how I would ever be able to keep going feeling so run down and utterly exhausted every hour of every day for what seemed like eternity. I dreaded nursing sessions cuz of the discomfort that both doctors and lactation consultants said would only improve with time as baby boy grew bigger. When I was up in the middle of the night nursing (again) I would think to myself that I just needed to make it to morning, only to realize that when morning came I would still be in the same cycle of nursing and diaper changing and not sleeping (this is usually when an anxiety attack would hit). I felt trapped. But after 5 weeks, He answered.


5. In the first 3 months with the newborn I had a myriad of questions and Google only got me so far. Especially when so many theories and methods contradicted each other and I had no clue how to decipher which was "right for you and baby". I felt like I had zero "mom instinct" and could not for the life of me tell the difference between a hungry cry vs. a change-my-diaper cry vs. a tired cry (still can't really to be completely honest). It all sounded exactly the same. But in came friends who were also new moms in recent years. They shared their experiences, gave advice and thoughts when asked, and just kept encouraging me as I fumbled around this whole "being a mom" thing. After hours spent Googling everything and asking for wisdom, He answered.


6. I was so exhilarated when my sister-from-another-mother told me she was due with her second around the same time. What I didn't realize was how much of a blessing it would be not only to mat leave with her, but to have her as a sounding board in the past year. We've talked through sleep regressions, nap strategies, feeding struggles and everything in between. I've asked her questions about baby boy's skin rashes (even sent her pictures), pumping challenges, where to find a sun hat, and she has been so gracious and supportive with helping in whatever way she can. She gave me pep talks when I needed and encouraged me to come out for lunch where I had to venture out alone with baby. We would text each other messages to read in those MOTN wakings which made those twilight hours feel less lonely. All those nights I felt like I was the only person awake in the entire world, He answered.


7. When we ventured out to France when baby was 5 months old, we didn't realize how disastrous his night sleep would get. He barely slept on the flight there and basically just napped on and off the whole time we were in the air, too stimulated by all the things to see on the plane. On our first night there he woke up every... 45... minutes... all... night... long. He refused to sleep in the travel crib and after 3 nights of no sleep because non-sleep-trained-baby would only sleep in my arms, I found myself rocking him once again, singing that medley of songs, and begging God with tears in my eyes to let baby sleep. And by some miracle, he did. And not only the usual 3-4h stretch he would normally do, but closer to 6-7h that only happened once in a blue moon. Just when I felt like I would fall over from not sleeping, He answered.


8. When we came back from France (this was an awesome trip, eh?), baby boy's sleep was also a wreck. Having co-slept with me for 2 weeks, he now would wake up scared and crying in his crib then would proceed to stay awake for the next 2h cuz he was also jetlagged. And when I got plastered with a terrible cold I had no idea how I could recover given my non-sleeping baby, but somehow he managed to sleep a solid 6h which in turn gave me a solid 6h to sleep and rest. When I thought it would take me forever to recover cuz I couldn't sleep, He answered.


9. Post-France we decided it was time to teach babe to fall asleep on his own at night. It took a month. Most of the sites we read said it would take 2 weeks tops. And that was just night sleep. Naps were supposedly a whole different beast, much more challenging, and taking much longer to establish. Up until this point I would have to sit in the recliner with kiddo to get him to nap longer than 30-45 min. This was following 15 mins of singing/rocking, and I would sometimes need to get up and rock him again when he would start to stir after 45 mins. Needless to say, those stories of moms getting stuff done while their babies napped just wasn't a reality for me. The day we decided to try and get him to sleep on his own for naps I expected to face the same resistance we had with night sleep. But he surprisingly had no problems, just closed his eyes and went to sleep. After a month of sleep training and worrying about nap training, He answered.


10. There were numerous nights when baby would be up in the middle of the night and unable to go back to sleep for whatever reason. After multiple attempts at getting him to go back to sleep I would often find myself hitting a brick wall and unsure of how I could muster up enough energy to keep going. And yet, somehow I would always have just enough strength and just enough voice left to sing him songs till he finally calmed enough to go back to sleep. When my voice was hoarse and my eyes were heavy, He answered.


11. There were also countless early mornings (I'm talking 4am/5am) where sweet child (note sarcasm) would wake and whine and me in my half awake state would throw out a drowsy prayer that God would help baby boy go back to sleep... and he did! Even in my desperate, half awake prayers, He answered.


12. At 10.5 months, when nursing had finally gotten easy and we had gotten into a good groove, baby decided to self-wean suddenly. This then sent us into a frantic couple of weeks of trying to pump, not getting much out, and trying to get him to take formula. It was bittersweet for me, remembering how hard it was at the beginning and then having it end so suddenly, sooner than I originally had in mind. Then at 11 months, I cracked my root-canaled-but-never-crowned-cuz-of-COVID molar (again) and needed to have dental surgery to extract the broken tooth and put in an implant. Having him weaned allowed me to take meds without having to worry about how they would affect a nursing baby. Though I didn't understand why weaning didn't go according to plan, He answered.

I'm 100% sure there are many more snippets of God's grace in my life this past year that I haven't thought of, and even more certain that there are still many more to come as I continue to journey on this path of motherhood. I write these things out not to brag about how much favour I've been given, but to remember how God is so ever present in my life and that He continues to show up in the highs and lows, the brightest of days and the darkest of nights. It has been a year of change, a year of growth, and a year of grace.

Prior to becoming a mom I knew that there'd be a ton of things I'd have to learn. Being around my brother and sister-in-law when my niece and nephew were born gave me a glimpse of what parenthood entailed, but I didn't know how vast the ocean of information was until baby boy actually showed up in our lives. And now, 10 months in, I've come to realize that not only has my day-to-day (and night-to-night) life changed, but even my vocabulary has evolved. From "establishing a good latch" to "connecting sleep cycles", these are phrases I was never even aware of pre-baby but are now fairly common in my everyday vernacular with other mom friends.

When parenthood is 90% guesswork, 5% Google, and 5% luck and God's grace, you eventually realize there's a ton of acronyms that are used in forums that you come to learn as you try to keep the tiny human alive. Why all the acronyms? It's cuz there's just so many terms and so little time to type out those terms in full every time you go to talk about it (which ends up being quite frequently as it turns out). So for all you expecting mamas and non-mamas, here's your cheat sheet into the vocabulary of motherhood.

BLW - baby led weaning (method of feeding solids that skips purees and lets baby feed themselves)

BTC - by the clock (refers to sleep schedules that have wakeup, naps, and bedtime at the same time everyday... and no, this is not the norm nor the recommendation as I've come to learn)

CIO - cry it out (a.k.a. extinction method of sleep training, but also refers to any method of sleep training that involves letting baby cry)

CS - c-section (or caesarean section in full)

DS / DD / DH - dear son / daughter / husband (how people often refer to their child / spouse on internet forums)

DWT - daily wakeup time (the time at which you get baby from the crib, usually suggested to be the same time everyday)

EBF - exclusively breast fed

EBP - exclusively breast pumping (and bottle fed)

EWU - early wake up (when baby wakes up any time before 6am)

FF - formula fed

FTM - first time mom

LO - loved one (another common way people refer to their child in forums)

MOTN(W) - middle of the night (waking)

OT - over tired (when baby is awake too long, filled with the stress hormone cortisol and has a hard time napping / sleeping... also, the thing you dread the most and are always heavily cautioned to avoid)

PP - postpartum (the period of time after giving birth, usually the first 3 months or the "fourth trimester")

PPD / PPA - postpartum depression / anxiety

PUPD - pick up put down (a "gentle/no cry" method of sleep training that involves picking up and putting down baby (awake) as often as needed until they fall asleep... somewhat misleading as this method still involves tears)

SLS - sleep lady shuffle (another "gentle / no cry" sleep training method that involves you sitting in a chair by baby's crib until they fall asleep without your assistance and progressively moving that chair further and further away each night until you're out the door)

ST - sleep training (teaching baby how to fall asleep independently with methods ranging from "gentle / no cry" to "cry it out")

STTN - sleeping through the night (the holy grail of parenthood, when your baby finally sleeps through the night which means you get to sleep through the night, unless your body is just conditioned to wake up every 3-4 hours... but that's now on you and not on your child)

TOG - thermal overall grade (refers to warmth of blankets/swaddles/sleepsacks)

VBAC - vaginal birth after c-section (part of the follow-up convo w/ the doctor about family planning and subsequent children)

WW / WT - wake window / wake time (the amount of time baby is awake during the day, changes with age and different for every child... also something you watch like a hawk and requires you to do "nap math" to make sure baby doesn't get over tired, but also something you might have to tinker with to make sure baby isn't under tired and can take those forever-desired long naps)

As evidenced by this list, most of these acronyms deal with sleep. Not surprisingly, when your babe is slow to get on the "learning how to sleep well" train you go down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out why and how to get him there ASAP cuz when baby doesn't sleep, neither do you. My sister-from-another-mother and I often ask each other "would you rather" questions as we navigate our babies' first years together (a blessing in and of itself to have another mom whose baby is a week apart from ours to do life with). One of those questions was "would you rather have a crappy sleeper or a crappy eater?" And we both agreed that we'd opt for crappy eater cuz at least if kiddo refuses to eat you can still eat to your heart's content. But when you have a crappy sleeper everyone suffers.

Apparently learning to sleep is a developmental milestone right up there with crawling and standing. And I've been assured by friends, a sleep-focused pediatrician (yes, there's such a thing and yes, I went to see her), and the internet, that babies do figure it out as some point. I'm happy to report after 10 months baby boy is starting to take longer naps (>45 minutes) and gets decent stretches of sleep at night unless he's dealing with new teeth, new skills, new sickness, or some other regression to keep us on our toes (spoiler alert: there's basically always something he's dealing with every other week 😵).

Now I'm fairly certain there are many more acronyms not on this list, and I'm even more certain that my motherhood vocabulary will continue to grow and expand as our not-so-tiny-anymore baby grows and develops. So for all my mama friends out there, let me know what I'm missing and what else I have to look forward to as I continue to be shaped into this new person known as "mama", sleep-deprived and all.

At the turn of the year I was seeing a lot of reflections not just on 2019, but the past decade. Which, of course, led me down memory lane and thinking about where I was at the start of the decade. I was in the early years of my career and had just started a job that I would stay at for the next 6 years, I was just starting to play ultimate and closing off my softball days, I had just started traveling sans family, and I was loving singlehood and young adulthood. Heck, I hadn't even met the guy that would become my husband. It's kind of crazy when I think about the past 10 years and all that's happened. Here are some highlights that come to mind...

2010 :

• went to Europe for the first time with friends (Paris, Zurich and Berlin... still one of my most favourite trips to date)
• started playing ultimate more competitively, meeting a whole bunch of new friends along the way
• bought my first car
• had lots of summertime adventures with friends including chasing meteor showers, girls' nights, gelato dates, and strolling around some of my favourite places

2011 :

• bought my second car (totalled my first after 6 months... single tear)
• destination wedding cruise (first cruise!)
• maid-of-honour for the first time for my sister-from-another-mother's wedding on aforementioned cruise
• went to Fort Lauderdale (and the Everglades) for the first time
• went to Montreal for the first time

2012 :

• started touring with Lily (women's ultimate team) and road tripping to Montreal, Ottawa, Waterloo, and Rochester for tournaments
• lived on my own for a time
• destination wedding in Canmore

2013 :

• became an aunt again
• started touring with Lotus
• went to Vancouver for the first time
• destination wedding in Cancun and the beginning of a whirlwind romance only found in movies

2014 :

• officially started dating my now husband, the months before we were just "seeing each other"
• saw A BUNCH of musicals with now-official-boyfriend (Les Miserables, Lion King, Rent, Wicked)
• went to Chicago and San Diego for work, but got some time to tour around the cities
• second time MOH for my best friend

2015 :

• third car
• started touring with Terra and won my very first medal
• destination wedding in Punta Cana
• went to Vienna for work, got to tour around the city as well
• went to NYC for the first time
• went to Mexico to play in the Pan American Ultimate Championships

2016 :

• started my new (current) job
• went to Europe and got engaged (Paris, Lyon, Florence, Venice, Rome)
• went to Colorado to play in the USAU Masters Ultimate Championships

2017 :

• got married, became a wife
• moved downtown
• toured with Nox
• went to Tampa/St. Pete's for the first time
• honeymoon'd in Croatia (Split, Hvar, Dubrovnik) and Amalfi Coast (Naples, Sorrento, Positano)

2018 :

• destination wedding in Hawaii (Oahu, Big Island)
• gained a friend-turned-sister-in-law
• went to Boston for work
• found out we were pregnant

2019 :

• bought a house
• fourth car... mom car
• became a mom O_O
• went to Europe again, this time with a baby (Nice, Monaco, Eze)

There's probably a bazillion things in between that I've missed and a lot more non-destination weddings in that mix, but some resounding themes are how incredibly blessed I've been to be able to travel so much in the past decade, how many of my friends had destination weddings, and all the old friends, new for-a-season friends, new lifelong friends I've had walk beside me in this time. To all of you, I just want to say thank you for your presence in my life these past 10 years.

The other prominent thing in this list are all the huge life changes and subsequent shifts in identity and who I understand myself to be. I went from single young adult, to "the girl that I'm seeing", to girlfriend, to fiancée, to wife and daughter-in-law, and now mom. I've gone from living with my parents, to living on my own, to living with my parents again, to living with my husband, and now living with a baby.

I should stop and make a note here that I really suck with change. I'm a creature of habit and pretty much hate change. It takes me awhile and a lot of internal reflection to be okay with new transitions. The bigger the change, the longer it takes for me to get used to it. And this latest one has been a doozy, especially cuz the only thing consistent about life with a baby is constant change. Not just changes in his growth, development, and day-to-day life, but changes in my own growth and identity as I learn what it means to be a mom physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. It's crazy how different life looks now. Back in 2010 I was trying to get all my social engagements, church activities and sports in order every week and now my days are filled with making and pureeing baby food, tracking wake windows and nap times, and folding laundry... oh so much laundry.

The funny thing about restarting this blog is I have the ability to look back 10 years ago at some of the things I had written and what my life and thoughts were like at that time. So naturally, when it came time to reflect, I went back to read. And while I know that I'm not the same person I was back in 2010, there are still some things that are still very true about me now (read more here). This post from 2010 goes hand in hand with why I suck with change. Change requires delving into the unknown, moving from what you are comfortable and familiar with into new uncharted territory. If you read that old post, I hate not knowing, not understanding what's happening, or what to do next, or the end result. And well, that's basically parenthood: 90% guesswork, 5% Google, 5% luck and God's grace. I'm well aware that this new life with baby is just the beginning of many, many, MANY more years of change... so somehow I'm gonna have to get better in dealing with change and figure out a way to be excited for it rather than apprehensive about it. I honestly have no clue how this is going to happen. This next decade is definitely going to be an interesting one.